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Shame

Parents:


There is tremendous difference between shame and guilt.


When raising our children we need to be conscious of the wording we are using when they are making poor choices.


We never attack character. We only attack choices and behaviors.


Children experience Shame as the threat of being unlovable therefore you can change a child’s behavior in an instant when using it ~Brene Brown


To recognize this we need to start looking at how we were parented. Was shame used with us?


The importance of that question is to understand where we are. We can’t parent better than we are.


We can talk and tell but if what we are SHOWING is shame in ourselves because it is what we experienced growing up it doesn’t matter what we say……. they see.


Looking back at how we were parented is not so we can go and give our parents crap for the way they raised us but rather it’s so we can recognize it and heal those spots to better parent our children.


It is my belief that we are all doing the best we know how to do in the moment. Our parents included.


Oftentimes parents get their parenting style from what they experienced.


It isn’t until we recognize things about our parents , parenting style that we didn’t agree with and choose to look to learn different ways of doing things with our own children.


The other side of that coin is that we love our parents so much we don’t want to hurt them or go against them in anyway and so we don’t talk about it. We don’t explore conversations with our parents as adults around their parenting style when we were children.


I’m extremely thankful that my mom was always very open in telling me that she had done the best she could and that she knew she made mistakes. She always told me don’t be a “mini” me………. Go get better than me. Take what you like and leave the rest.


Because she was always open in this way I felt comfortable as I grew and learned with my own children to talk to her about some of my wounds growing up. Never to hurt her but rather to help me to heal.


Every parent wants their children to live happy successful lives. If telling my mom my injuries helped me to heal she would have shouldered absolutely anything I gave her.


I tell my children the same.


You can always tell me anything. You can tell me if I hurt you. If you didn’t agree with some way I showed up. Absolutely anything as long as it is done in a respectful manner.


Ultimately my goal is for them to heal faster. I don’t want them carrying around backpacks full of things I did when they were young that is still unresolved. Lay the rocks down. I am not now nor was I ever perfect, and I’m here to help you heal from the wounds that I likely caused. Don’t ever worry about hurting my feelings. I have broad shoulders and if I caused something I own that.


Sometimes kids and adults really just need their parents to acknowledge and own their parts.


I’m here for that.


The bonus I have gotten through this with my kids is that I get to learn. I get to understand from their eyes. I get to choose to make adjustments.


AND even more importantly THEY learn through me. Watching me having done this will allow them to do it with their children as well.


My mom has been changing generational crap and didn’t even know she was doing it.


When you become or even before you become a parent start emptying your own backpack first, your unresolved wounds will affect your children even when you think they don’t. If you are holding shame they will see it even if you are the best actor.


Allow your children the space to safely empty theirs. It’s not about feeling shame for the ways we have parented to this point. It’s simply acknowledging, owning and doing better.


Healing our own wounds and acknowledging wounds we have caused starts the chain reaction of change in generations.


I encourage you to be brave. Empty your backpacks. Do your work. Your children and our future generations are counting on it. ❤️

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